Selling Yourself.

I’m not sure why I am updating here really anymore. I guess I just feel obligated because I have a lot of followers? I don’t imagine that anyone is reading since nothing too exciting is going on in my life.  But enough is going on that I don’t have time to log on here and be witty or something.


She is fantastic. And smart. And funny. I laugh so loud at her every single day and she always laughs with me, but also says “Stop laffin me!”  She is really starting to show me who she is. And tell me how she feels too. We still struggle with that. 

She can be pretty sensitive. Like tonight she was tired and wanted to go to bed earlier than usual but I did not realize it. I was super frustrated trying to fill out a “pain report” for SSI. I had absolutely no clue what to put on that report and I also realized that I was mailing it in somewhat late. So very distracted.  She became tearful because she wanted to go to bed and when she only asked once, I replied “in a minute honey”. I felt terrible. Of course I scooped her up and snuggled up in bed with her and all was well again. I rubbed her shoulders and told her how proud I was of her because she did so well on her homework tonight with only a little assistance with the letter Q.  I didn’t even have to trace her alphabet letters before hand. Granted, her letters are large and misshapened but I’m kind of into them that way.

I love her attachment to me. I love that she wants to be with me all the time. I love her request for me to sleep next to her some nights but I love even more that when I can’t, she very kindly tells me she loves me and good night anyway.

We officially do not have Medicaid in the state of Kentucky any longer. I am not sure what this means for the rest of the year as far as her therapy goes. We see her speech pathologist tomorrow after school and I will find out then. I guess after that it will just be a waiting game until we hear back from SSI. The speech pathologist told me that she’s never had an autistic child denied SSI. Sounds too good to be true so it probably is. But I’m going to stay positive.

Other Bullshit 

This means everything else in my life I guess. Really there is nothing else in my life but my daughter. So I’m lumping everything else into this small category.  Work is good. Family is good. Dating is ridiculous and it sucks.

I have pretty much stopped honestly. I do not date online. I do not pursue any man. I have met two types of men since I’ve been single:

Men Who Want To Sleep With Me

It doesn’t seem to matter where I meet a guy. Or how I approach him.  Or how he approaches me. They are usually done once they sleep with me.  So I do not do that anymore unless it VERY CLEAR where it is going.  Under any circumstances.  This is a vow of celibacy. I took it about a month ago and to be honest, I have felt much better since.  No one is sleeping with me unless they have been dating me first. Not asking me to “hang out”. Not asking me if they can come over at some god awful hour. Going on actual dates with me.

I am so tired of arrogant, entitled bearded assholes who think nothing of walking up to me and putting their hands on me in a bar. No wonder we have someone like Donald Trump getting away with running for president. He represents a vast majority of the male population. Sorry to get all bitter feminist there but it’s just the plain truth.  And I’m not trying to absolve myself of any responsibility in anything. I make my own decisions. It’s hard to admit, but I am that idiot girl who thinks when someone sleeps with her it is because they like her as a person.  

No. More.  Men are lazy. The minute you give them what they want, they quit putting any effort into you.

Men Who Are Scared Of Autism

These guys represent a pretty small fraction of the types of men I have met. Mainly because only a very small percentage of the guys I’ve been involved with were actually looking to date someone period.  I would say maybe 5%. But I will bet that’s generous.  In any case, every single one of them stopped talking to me as soon as they learned that my daughter has a disability. And yes, I knew it could have possibly been something else.  But I am going to go with my gut and say that it had to do with her autism since they directly told me that or they just became very “busy” literally two seconds after I told them.  Although it has helped me on occasion. Many times if they already knew about my daughter, is a very high and likely chance that they just want to sleep with me.

I considered that perhaps the men I date should be introduced to that part of my life in small doses. But why? There is no small dose with me. My life is very different from others.  It’s nothing that I have to feel ashamed of or hide from people. The right people will not be put off by it. I don’t want a person in her life who thought of her as a “problem” for them, even if it was just in the beginning. She deserves better than that.  The person I end up with should accept her as readily as they do me.

The fact that I even have to consider that is so indicative of our current dating culture. It’s a constant “sell yourself” game. A man I met online once even said that to me. That I didn’t do a very good job of “selling” myself. I wanted to puke. He also said that he shouldn’t have to “break down walls”. My response was basically “Then don’t.”  

Where does someone even get off suggesting that I should try to sell myself? Is that the meaning behind the phrase “on the market”? So terribly offensive. I will never ever ever hide who I am or even change who I am in order to “sell myself”.  I’m not a product that you pick up off of a shelf. I’m a person.  Who refuses to pretend she doesn’t have baggage. People can lie all they want and say they don’t have any baggage. These people are usually just too afraid to find someone with a matching set.  

I will spend the rest of my life alone before I start trying to sell myself to someone in order to get them to date me.  And I pity people who do.  And who knows, I may very well be alone the rest of my life. Because I plan to do absolutely no dating or pursuing of any kind. I’ve been saying the past few years that I want to stay single and that was true. I think I am at a point my life where I could handle having a boyfriend now. But in order for that to happen, that person is going to have to show repeated non-sexual interest in me.  If there is no one in the world who can do that for me, then I am better off being alone with my daughter. I have been alone long enough that I have gotten to the point where I don’t need anybody. I know how to be happy alone.